30 weeks…

30 weeks…..

I’m 30 weeks pregnant, I’m still amazed that this is happening.

I think it’s time to tell you a short story.

I’m 35 years old, I got married at 29 years old to an amazing dude 2 weeks after he proposed (yikes!)….love him to bits. Alhamdulillah.

About 6 months in, we were ready to start trying for a child. I was not getting any younger, neither was he. Add to that, we got married quite late in life. So yes it’s impossible not to hear that clock ticking in your head, especially when you always dreamt of having a big family, one or two adopted kids and three, four even five biological children.

Turns out the dreams we have, are that, dreams. Hopes. Duas. Wishes. Whatever you want to call it.

Life certainly cannot be seen as a plan, because life cannot be planned. That I know for sure. It’s a journey with many interesting detours and obstacles along the way, some break you down, some build you up, it’s filled with pain, laughter, love, learning and so much more, it’s an adventure.

5 years on, we were still trying and I was over it. OVER IT! I was broken…. 5 years of negative preggy tests that result in tears on the bathroom floor, 5 years of people giving you advice on what to do : lose weight, drink this, eat this, go see this person, buy these tablets, go on this kind of eating plan, you’re too fat, you’re too short, you’re……it never stops. In fact most of the advice often times comes from people who have had absolutely no trouble falling pregnant at all. Here’s my advice as someone who has been trying to fall pregnant for a very long time, if you have not struggled with it, then please be sensitive, compassionate and have a full understanding of the struggles of a woman who is trying to conceive before dishing out advice like Biryani on the Sunday table.

Every time I was asked when I was going to have kids, a part of me broke inside. Stop it. I just started telling people I couldn’t have any, I thought it would be easier. Turns out that leads to a whole NEW set of advice on what to do, to read, to eat, to lose weight…you cannot get away from it. Sorry.
Going through the process of TTC (Trying to Conceive) is incredibly tough but it also eventually means you need to develop a thicker stronger skin and it will test your marriage to the max, dig your heels in and work hard on strengthening your relationship, it’s important.

At some point I just got tired, I felt hopeless, I felt like none of my duas are ever going to be accepted. I’d done all the tests, even taken all the advice from the mummies who conceived easily and the ones who did not, taken all the tablets, been religious on my Glucophage, tried to stop thinking about it (because EVERYONE thinks that’s possible when you so desperately want a family…NOT).
I’m overweight, I have been overweight my entire life, it’s not easy. I know people who are the perfect weight, who’ve been trying for even longer. I know people who are twice my size who have many children.

I’ve been trying to fall pregnant for 5 years. Trust me on this….there is no formula. Allah truly knows best.

This year I felt I was done. Done Done DONE! And then something pushed me, I wanted to have one last try. I followed a heartbreaking journey with a friend who was unable to conceive via IVF. IVF is out of our reach financially but I came home one day and told the hubster that we just need to push one more time, it will put my heart at ease to say we tried absolutely everything. We would scrape what we needed of pennies and dimes so that, should it come to that, we could do at least one round of IVF.
But for now we would start again, from scratch. The very beginning as if we had never done anything. We would go through each step, each type of treatment required as it follows, just try, just this year.

Then I’d just let it go (if I could)
Turns out, Allah Almighty had a better plan, I did a round of Fertomid (an ovulation assistance product), went for the follicle checks, doc couldn’t see if I ovulated or not. So now what….oh well, we’ll just do what we do, and see about doing another round and check follicles a day or two earlier next time.

However, before I could even do that, I felt weird, something was wrong, my period was due, my tummy was tingling and something just didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to buy another pregnancy test. I had been on fertomid so many times over the last few years and none were ever successful so I didn’t even have faith in it anymore. Something made me buy a test, and I put it into the bathroom cabinet and ignored it. A week later, I woke up at about 3am for a bathroom visit, and something just said “DO THE DAMN TEST!” and I did.

Two lines!! Say what?? Yes….TWO LINES.

I’m pregnant…I think.

I went back to bed, saying nothing. Hubster had no idea what just happened in the bathroom and mumbles to me to sleep for a bit longer, I quietly nod but I couldn’t sleep a wink, my head was spinning.

Got up and started getting ready for work around 4.30am, I messaged the doctor while on my way to work at 6am, asking if I could go and see her right then. Hoping I would hear from her before I passed the offramp to her offices, I heard nothing until 7.30 when she laughed and said that they only open at 8am earliest. By then I was at work, googling ways to announce I am pregnant (because that’s what you do when you suddenly have this glimmer of hope). And I went to the doc on my way home.

She looked and said it’s so tiny but she could see a tiny embryo that has been implanted or could see the implantation or something like that, it was doctor-speak, so I asked something simply “Doc, I don’t know what that all means, all I want to know is, AM I PREGNANT ?” Yes I am but it’s still very early so don’t tell anyone, come back in 2 weeks and we do another check.

I’m pregnant. Holy crap. Alhamdulillah.

Allah does know best.

We told my entire family that night, Hubster and I were too excited.

Now I’m 30 weeks. Alhamdulillah. I’m crazy grateful. All the duas of all the people who remembered my desire to be a mummy, including mine, have been accepted. Ameen and Jazakallah to you.

I leave you with this:

Even when you lose hope, don’t lose hope.

Even when you think He is not answering your duas, He is listening.

Even when you feel like you are done, you are not done.

Allah knows best.

Remember us in your duas, please.

Love, Fehmz and MK

I am sharing this for all those who are going through what I’ve been through…

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